The Donkey and the Rider: Why Feel Good Meditation is Already What You Are

We often find ourselves in a peculiar predicament, much like the old story of the person frantically searching everywhere for their donkey, only to realize they have been sitting on its back the entire time. This is the comedy of the seeker. We look for a "there" from a "here" that is already complete. We imagine that through some specialized effort or a specific feel good meditation, we will eventually cross a finish line into a state called enlightenment. But who is it that is looking? And where exactly do we think we are going? The truth is that there is no path to what you already are. The separate self loves the idea of a journey because a journey implies time, and time allows the separate self to persist as a project in the making. We think, "If I just practice enough, if I sit in silence long enough, I will achieve a breakthrough." But the absolute is not a reward for good behavior or a destination at the end of a map. If the infinite is truly infinite, it must include you exactly as you are right now—distracted, tired, or even frustrated. If you were excluded from the totality until you reached a certain state, it wouldn't be the totality; it would be a "partiality" waiting for your permission to be whole. When we talk about feel good meditation, we must be very clear. Sitting in silence or focusing on the breath can certainly make the body-mind feel better. It can lower stress, harmonize the nervous system, and allow the chronic tensions we carry to finally soften. This is a beautiful thing. It is a functional way for the body-mind to take care of itself in the horizontal dimension of life. However, this relaxation is not a ladder to the absolute. The absolute is vertical; it is the screen upon which the movie of "getting better" or "feeling worse" is projected. The screen doesn't become more "screen-like" just because the movie has a happy ending. We often get caught up in the idea of progress. We see ourselves as a work in progress, moving from a state of alienation toward a state of aware presence. But who told us we were ever alienated? Even the feeling of being "lost" or "separate" is a perfect expression of the absolute. It is the totality playing the role of a seeker. Liberation is not the liberation of the separate self; it is liberation *from* the separate self. It is the realization that the "I" who wants to attain something is itself just a temporary appearance, a ripple on the ocean that thinks it needs to find the water. In our daily lives, we experience many shifting states. We feel the rush of emotions—anger, desire, fear. Usually, these emotions are like magnets, pulling our attention toward an object. If we are angry, we are obsessed with the person who "made" us angry. If we feel desire, we are consumed by the thing we want. A feel good meditation might allow us to stop looking at the object and instead feel the raw energy of the emotion itself.